13 Funny Long Jokes

While one liners are great and all, I tend to believe that the art of the long joke is a thing of beauty. If someone can keep you interested for minutes instead of a few seconds, then they deserve your laughter. And while a lot of funny long jokes are built on the idea of a let down at the end, some of them end up being pretty damn funny. So, we’ve scoured the world for the funniest long jokes and have put them together for you all in one place.

These are our favorite funny long jokes

Funny Long Jokes

  •  A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing’s, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

    But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

    Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

    In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

    Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

    Love, your son, Joshua.

    P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home! 

  • A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain… do whatever he tells you.

    Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

    His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!” 

  • Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, “Are you aware of how fast you were going?”The man replies, “Yes I am. I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, “Were you the one being robbed?”

    The man casually replies, “No, I committed the robbery.”

    The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. “So you’re telling me you were speeding…AND committed a robbery?”

    “Yes,” the man calmly says. “I have the loot in the back.”

    The cop begins to get angry. “Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me.” The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.

    “Don’t do that!” the man yells fearfully. “I’m scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!” The cop pulls his hand out. “Wait here,” he says.

    The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, “Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car.”

    The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”

  • Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, “Are you aware of how fast you were going?”The man replies, “Yes I am. I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, “Were you the one being robbed?”

    The man casually replies, “No, I committed the robbery.”

    The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. “So you’re telling me you were speeding…AND committed a robbery?”

    “Yes,” the man calmly says. “I have the loot in the back.”

    The cop begins to get angry. “Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me.” The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.

    “Don’t do that!” the man yells fearfully. “I’m scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!” The cop pulls his hand out. “Wait here,” he says.

    The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, “Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car.”

    The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”

  • One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

    On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
    “I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”
    The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”
    “That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”
    So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
    But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
    The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
    “Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”

More funny long jokes below!

  • So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

    He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air – but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
    Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was once again unharmed.
    Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
    “You know what? No,” said the executioner. “I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat; we’re strapping you in and doing this now.” Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
    The man looked at the executioner and said, “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor.”

  • Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.” “That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.” “WELL!” Says Barbara “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”
  • John was starving!! He was stuck in a small hick town, lost and hungry. He was happy when he saw a small restaurant coming up on his right. John quickly pulled over, parked his car, and walked inside. John noticed a blackboard with a sign written in yellow chalk, “Today’s Special: Vegetable Soup with Fried Chicken and Grilled Vegetables.” “I’ll take the special”, said John to the waiter when he came to take his order. A few minutes after receiving his order John called over the waiter, he was fuming mad. “IS THIS THE SPECIAL!? It says vegetable soup, BUT THERE ARE NO VEGETABLES! It says grilled vegetables, BUT THEY AREN’T GRILLED THEY ARE BAKED!?  And it says fried chicken, AND THE CHICKEN ISN’T FRIED!? The waiter was not used to city folks and their attitudes and frankly he was not going to put up with this behavior. “My dear man,” said the waiter looking down at John over his glasses, “that is what makes it so special!!!”
  •  Three couples are trying to get married.

    Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
    “If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex,” says the priest.
    One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, “Have you completed the month with sex?”
    “Yes we have, it was easy,” replies the elderly couple.
    “How about you?” He asks the middle-aged couple.
    “It was hard, but we didn’t have sex for the whole month,” they respond.
    “And how about you two?” He asks the young couple.
    “No we couldn’t do it,” responds the boyfriend.
    “Tell me why,” says the priest.
    “Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that’s when it happened.”
    The priest then tells them, “You’re not welcome in my church.”
    “We’re not welcome in the supermarket either,” says the boyfriend.

  • A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens – the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

    At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,” and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

    The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me – it’s this bloody horse. What is he – deaf or something?”

    The trainer replies, “Deaf? Deaf?! He’s not deaf. He’s blind!”

  • A man is leaning on a farm gate, watching the farmer round up some sheep when he realises that the farmer isn’t using a sheepdog, but rather a pig. What’s more, the pig, which is expertly manoeuvring the sheep into a pen, only has three legs. “Excuse me,” says the man to the farmer, “but why has that pig only got three legs?” “Let me tell you a bit about that pig”, says the farmer. “That pig not only herds my sheep, he also crows in the morning, milks the cows morning and night and collects the eggs from the hens.” “And that’s not all!”, he continued, “that pig can count! He counts so well that he does all the farm accounts and fills in my tax forms.” “What an amazing pig!” Says the man. “I ain’t finished!”, says the farmer. “Two years ago, my farmhouse caught fire and the pig called the fire brigade and then fetched water from the river to douse the flames in the hall. He then fought his way through the smoke to where my wife and children lay unconscious and dragged them from the burning house.” “Wow!”, says the man,”that really is an incredible pig. But I still don’t understand why he only has three legs.” “Ah, well”, says the farmer, “when you have a pig that is that special, you don’t eat him all at once…”. TL;dr Farmers are heartless shits who love bacon
  • Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, ‘The best
    thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee.
    I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts.
    I have to go over and over again.’
    The 85 year-old said, ‘The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have
    one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on
    and it’s still a problem.’Then the 90 year-old said, ‘That’s not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am
    sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have a great bowel
    movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up
    before 7:00 am.
  • A forester is very much bored with his job in the forest mountains.

He is bored because he hasn’t had sex for many years. He decides to go
down to the valley to look for females. Before going down, he promises
himself to have sex with the first female he should meet on the way.
He then embarks on his journey and in a short time happens upon a
female horse.

He just can’t control his urge for sex, so he says to himself ,
“I’ll fuck this horse because I just can’t wait anymore.”

He chases and chases and chases the horse but cannot catch it.
While chasing, he hears a voice crying for help. He immediately runs
to the source of the voice, where he sees a man trying to rape a
woman. He hurries to help her and is successful.

In return for his heroic behavior, the woman says, “For saving me
from that sex maniac, name your price, and I’ll pay it. Anything. I
mean, anything.”

The man replies, “Really? Are you sure? Anything?”

When the woman says yes, he excitedly says, “Come on, help me chase
that horse!”

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